It’s Thanksgiving week already, I can hardly believe it. I feel like I completely missed the month of October, and now we are almost in December.

I figured I would hop on board with the whole 30 things to be thankful for, so here’s my list in no particular order:

1. I am thankful for having a warm place to sleep because I know so many out there are not so blessed.
2. I am thankful for my family, even though we have our rough times and we define dysfunction, they are still a part of me.
3. I am thankful for having a source of employment, there have been many times where I just wanted to call it quits, but in the end, it’s nice to be part of such a crazy work family. We fight, we have drama, but when something happens to someone, good or bad, everyone has each other’s back. It’s a beautiful thing.
4. I am thankful for a God that loves me. It’s not always a concept that I can grasp, because there are times when I feel unlovable, but I know deep in my heart, that I am loved.
5. I am thankful for the few true friends that I have. The ones that know some of my darkest secrets and hurts, and choose to still accept me for who I am. The ones who allow me to just be quiet, but are still there to support me in my silence.
6. I am thankful for my pets. I know that may seem silly to some, but there is nothing better than having unconditional love when you’re feeling so low. A puppy kiss or a kitty head-butt makes things a little less overwhelming.
7. I am thankful for music. Through music I am able to find a sense of calm in my chaos. A lyric can save your life, and I feel as though I have been saved many times.
8. I am thankful for an opportunity for education. I know that I am extremely frustrated with school and completely overwhelmed pretty much every second of the day, but I am still thankful for having a chance. I may get disappointed, defeated and even on the verge of giving up, but I still keep going because I can.
9. I am thankful to have been born in the United States of America. I know this country can be challenged at times, I don’t always support what is going on, but I’m happy to be born free. I am free to believe in what I want, and there is no other place I would rather be.
10. I am thankful for all the men and women who choose to protect us. Military, police, and firefighters, they all choose to risk their lives to protect us, and I am forever grateful for their sacrifice.
11. I am thankful for having a church to go too. It’s an hour away and some days I think I’m crazy for going so far, but I have never been more moved by any other church.
12. I am thankful for the opportunity to sponsor two children and being able to provide them with food to eat, school supplies and a chance to become something.
13. I am thankful for my journal. I am not always able to speak about what’s going on in my life, but having a safe place to process my thoughts is a wonderful thing.
14. I am thankful for having a grandmother. She may not be blood, but it has never mattered. Her heart is what counts and she is a remarkable woman.
15. I am thankful for memories.
16. I am thankful for having a washer and dryer. I loathe doing laundry but I couldn’t imagine having to drag my stuff to the Laundromat each week.
17. I am thankful for beautiful sunrises and sunsets. A symbol of the beginning and end. Such beauty and each time it’s just a little bit different.
18.  I am thankful for always having food to eat and never going to sleep hungry. So many are starving and we take for granted how blessed we truly are.
19. I am thankful for my past. Even though I am broken by it, and struggle to heal from it, I know that my past has and will continue to shape me into the person I am supposed to be. It may not always seem like a winning battle, but there is a purpose, I just need to grab on.
20. I am thankful for the person who told me that my existence mattered.
21. I am thankful for my God-kids. I don’t have kids of my own, but it’s nice to be part of someone’s life.
22. I am thankful for the song “Who Am I.” At one of my lowest points, I heard this song for the first time and it brought me a sense of peace that I needed to calm my heart.
23. I am thankful for a reliable vehicle.
24. I am thankful that I am actually able to have money in my savings account. It may not be a lot, but it’s progress.
25. I am thankful for silence. Sometimes you need a moment or two to just gather your thoughts or to not think at all.
26. I am thankful for the ocean. I don’t get to see it that often, but those moments I do, I cherish. I remember the smell, sound and the peacefulness.
27. I am thankful for clean water.
28. I am thankful for choices. I may not always make the right ones, but I’m thankful I am able to have the right to choose.
29. I am thankful for the ability to move.
30. I am thankful for my health. I may not feel 100% all the time, but I am alive and thankful for that.

So that’s it, there are tons of other things I am thankful for, silly things, important things, and random things. Things like nail polish, my cellphone, hair dye, books, poetry, art….the list can go on and on. But I figure 30 is a pretty good start. I am thankful for life, even though it can be overwhelming at times. But I am trying to become the person I am supposed to be. Over the past few weeks, that message has been hitting me hard. I have a purpose and I need to embrace it and move forward. The past that I’ve been running from, I need to turn back, face it, heal from it and become stronger. This journey ahead is not going to be easy, but once I realize how to forgive others, and most importantly, myself, I will be headed in the right direction. I’m sure there will be times of backsliding because I’m human, but I’m learning how to equip myself with the tools not to let myself fall prey to those distractions and de-railments. I’m a work in progress.

Here’s a shocker, it’s 1:20 am and I decide to write a blog. Well I can’t sleep, I have a killer headache and my side has been hurting, so I found myself laying in my dark room, but unable to really sleep. My head feels better than it did, the pain is now just a dull roar opposed to the intense throbbing that I was feeling after class. Perhaps it was the renal failure lecture that I sat through that made things worse. Hmm, so what is there to really update. It’s only October 28th and it snowed. Not really too much of a surprise since the whole world has been so effected by weird weather this year. Hurricane’s, tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis…it’s a little bit scary. Let’s see, school is still as spirit breaking as always. I failed my quiz back in September, however I managed to pass my midterm, so I feel a little better. November brings 3 quizzes though, so that’s a bit overwhelming since I am so behind in my readings. Honestly, some days I think this whole nursing thing is possible, but then in a blink of an eye, I think I’m crazy. We shall see. I will just keep trucking along till the end and hopefully I can pull through. I went to church a whole 2 times this month, impressive since my beliefs seem to be as unsteady as my confidence in school. It was good though, I mean for a few minutes I am temporarily inspired, but then the doors close behind me and I become consumed by my doubts and pains. I have really begun to realize how much I avoid people and lack trust in them. Give me a pad and paper and I can write all day, put me in a room with a person, I can pretty much manage to utter the words hello and then I flee for dear life. That day I went to church, of course the topic was just randomly relationships. I am thinking to myself, seriously? It was spot on and made a ton of sense, but to me, it seems almost impossible to make happen. It’s hard to change, and people suck. Well obviously not all people, but for the most part, I haven’t met too many that stand out. I’m more guarded now, and it’s hard to just break down that wall that you’ve worked so hard to build up. I don’t know, it’s frustrating. I know change is possible, and it is something I need to do, but the idea is overwhelming and exhausting to think about. I do think about what it might be like to not carry this heavy load of burdens, whether it’s the past, or my current worries, what it would be like to actually talk about things without it being an issue. I know the past can’t change, and worrying about it makes no difference. But when the past has shaped how you view the present, clearly it’s still a problem. I can tell other people all the time when they are struggling with things, how important it is to talk about it, whether it’s too another friend, or someone more educated like a counselor. But when it comes to myself, I’m just a hypocrite. I will listen to others all the time, but I won’t talk to them about certain things. Maybe it’s because all I want to do is help people, and by helping others, I don’t have to focus on myself.  I know what needs to happen, it’s a matter of getting over the fear and diving into the unknown.

Anyway, been uplifted by some music, nothing new there. Here are my suggestions:

Jessie J : “Who You Are”

Matt Hammitt: “All of Me”

Natalie Grant: “In Better Hands”

Addison Road: “Hope Now”

The song “Hope Now” has some amazing lyrics.

“Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I’ll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm”

It’s amazing sometimes how a lyric can stop you in your tracks and make you think. Music is so powerful.

I don’t know why I have a blog because 1. I rarely post things, and 2. I don’t really have anything to say that is all that entertaining. Whatever though, it’s 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep like usual so I figured why not waste a little time. So let’s see, last time I wrote was May, what’s happened. I actually passed my Nursing 2 semester, I went to Puerto Rico in July, August I had my birthday and my spirit breaking semester of Nursing 3 started, and now we are in September. How am I feeling? I know you’re just dying to know. Hmm, apart from feeling completely overwhelmed, I’m feeling fairly defeated too. I think when it really hit was on my birthday, I really felt very alone. I did get a great deal of birthday wishes, but I don’t know, this year I felt really distant from those who are supposed to be my closest friends. I don’t know, a day that was supposed to feel special, felt like nothing. I never really cared too much for birthdays because it’s just a day that you won’t be judged for eating a piece of cake. But ever since that day, I’ve been thinking about how distant I feel from everyone in my life. I know a lot of it is me. I’m not who I once was, and I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing. I want different things than I used too. I see things differently and maybe those changes make me even less compatible with the people I surround myself with. I know that in my head, I am stressed to the max, and even though I may talk about things to a certain few, it’s not even half of what’s going on. Before school started, I had a real breakdown, like I was even disgusted at the pitifulness I was in. Literally crying myself to sleep because I found myself so overwhelmed by life. I think I am so focused on my past failures, that I don’t even give myself a chance to succeed. It’s so easy for people to tell me not to worry about it, or that I’m being silly or dramatic. But if that’s what I’m feeling, isn’t it valid? People always say that you should “feel your feelings”, well hello, I am. I felt very alone in my “battles” and it hurt that those closest to me were so absent and oblivious to the emptiness and sadness I was feeling. I guess I should just be proud that I can put on such a front that people don’t notice, but I also would think that if people knew me as well as they claimed, then maybe they could have seen past that? I know it’s silly, and I need to get over it, but it’s hard because I try so hard to be there for people, especially because I know what it’s like to be struggling with things. I know it’s my fault too because I should just ask if I need help or someone to listen,  but it’s simply hard for me.

Well, moving past the breakdown, school started and I am feeling exactly the same way I did in my previous semesters. I took my first quiz, and I found myself stumbling through all the questions and having all the same doubts that have led me astray in the past. I don’t know when they will post the grade, but I know until I find out I will be stressing out, and after I find out the result, I know I’ll be crushed and feeling completely stupid again. Every day I ask myself what I’m doing. Like do I really think this could become a reality for me? Like could I really be Sindu the RN? Is that who I really want to be? I’m constantly focused on the “what if I don’t pass” that I can’t even focus on the present. I just want to believe this is possible. I’m sick of people saying just be positive, or it’s fine, you will do it. I’d like to actually believe those things, however since I’m completely consumed with doubts, it’s difficult to see anything else.

Going back to feeling defeated…I’m disappointed because I wanted to make this year count. Back in March, I thought this great epiphany happened in my life, and that things were going to be better somehow. I had all these things I wanted to accomplish and I don’t think a single thing happened. Instead of grabbing that feeling and running with it, I let it go because it was too difficult to hold on too. I thought that I could keep getting back up after being knocked down, but these last couple of weeks, I’m finding it almost impossible. I am simply exhausted. It’s exhausting constantly being in a fight with yourself and the people around you. And it’s lonely when some days all you want is for that one person to care, and in reality, you’re not even a passing thought in their mind.  Some days I feel used, other days I feel invisible. I just want to find a happy medium.

I am trying to find some positive in the midst of my negativity. Even though life is overwhelming, I try to take the time to enjoy the simple beautiful things around me. A beautiful sunrise, a good song, or even my dopey dog Grace whose face makes me smile even when I’m feeling the most down.

I’ll end with a quote from a book that I read a couple of months ago. The book is called “Scent of Water” by Naomi Zacharias

                 “And isn’t your deepest pain the greatest gift you can give to anyone. When you slowly release the fingers from what you hold so tightly and invite someone into your vulnerability.”

I know we all have our struggles and demons, and God knows I’m trying to work through mine. I’d like to think that we all somehow make a difference here, and maybe, just a simple word from one of these ramblings of mine could help someone else. That’s my hope and wish, because I know that I am moved by the emotion that lies behind the writings of others that are feeling as broken as I do.

Recently I was thinking about that song “I get knocked down” by that group Chumbawumba. Not sure if you remember it, but it went something like ” I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down.” It goes on with some not so great lyrics, but those are the lines that always stuck in my head. Anyway, not exactly the most brilliant song ever written, but in all actuality, it has a great message. We are 5 months into 2011, and this year has really smacked me in the face then came back around to do it again even harder. In the past, I probably would have let these actions defeat me and I would be left alone with my own self- hatred and destruction. Not something I’m proud of, but it has always been my way of coping with life and trying to numb the hurt that consumed my body. Over the past 2 months or so, I’ve been trying to really discover who I am, and what my purpose is on this earth. With the frustrations of family, school, work and a variety of other factors, I found myself overwhelmed and lacking hope. Sometimes life doesn’t seem worth living. That’s a strong statement and scary if you’re the one thinking it. Imagine the feeling of complete hopelessness. We are so quick to judge people with alcohol, drug or sex addictions. These people are lacking hope too and their choices are the only coping mechanisms that numb their pain. It’s hard to talk about our issues for fear of being judged. Sometimes we just need help but are unable to process how to ask. I know I take on more than I can handle, but would rather be completely drowning opposed to just simply saying please help me. I was getting to the point again where i didn’t want to be here anymore, I felt hopeless and the thought of another day was too overwhelming to process. I wanted to just jump in my Jeep and just keep driving till I saw the Pacific Ocean.  No one could understand how I felt and honestly I didn’t want to even bother talking to anyone because some are just so quick to tell me to get over it. It’s easy for people to simply say things could be worse or look how blessed you are compared to others. These statements only make me feel worse about myself. Like wow I’m so selfish, I have everything while others have nothing and I need to just focus on that. I am thankful for everything I have and the opportunities I’ve been awarded, however, sometimes things aren’t so cut and dry.

 I finally broke and decided that I needed help and I feel like God finally just said “hello!!!! I’ve been here all this time and you just keep turning away.” it’s true. Through some good old fashion Bible reading and church going, I’ve found some clarity. Church has been so eye-opening and I feel like God has been basically throwing all this information at me. It’s always been there but I’m just at a point where I’m open to receiving it. Church messages have been so relevant to my life that I’ve been floored each time. They’ve touched on hopelessness, depression, fighting battles, family issues. I’ve been  so humbled by the Word and I know that there are many out there that  think I’m crazy and just trying to convince myself that things are  better. And in the beginning I thought that too. But now I’m just at the point where I don’t care what others think. This is real, otherwise I wouldn’t be moved.

When I started this blog, I was just beginning this journey of enlightenment and at times I was very doubtful that this was even worth seeking out. In these past months, I have found my heart to be less heavy, I’m not failing school, I’m actually done with my semester and successfully passed it, and I’m not as angry as I once was. Do I still have some issues to work out……Oh yes, that’s for sure, but it doesn’t weigh me down as much as it used too.  Back in February, I never thought school was even something I was ever going to be able to complete, I was so down on myself  and saw no way of pulling through. With this semester complete, I am one step closer, I know it’s not getting any easier, but I have a little more faith in myself that this could happen. So with May coming to a close fairly soon, I am going to use this summer to focus on growing more into a healthier individual, mind, body and spirit. I am here for some reason, my existence matters, I may not know what my purpose is right now, but I know I have one.

 So that song, “I Get Knocked Down” has a great meaning. Life is difficult, at times we will be overwhelmed and feel helpless, but we can overcome these challenges because I can get back up again, and no one is ever going to keep me down.

I haven’t written a blog in almost 2 months, I know there are people out there just frantic because there has been no updates…..ok, yeah seriously, I am just writing to pretty much no one, but that’s ok, I don’t mind one bit. One less person to point out spelling and grammatical errors….Right?

So it’s a few minutes before 4 am and here I am, wide awake wondering what I should do. I actually studied for a little bit, which for me is a small victory because normally I would just put in a Law & Order SVU DVD or engage in some highly entertaining “Words with Friends.” However, with the semester winding down and my grades teetering at pass/fail, I figured a little studying might be worthwhile. Things have still been extremely stressful with school, work, and life, but I don’t feel like I’m losing my mind…well at least not as badly as I was. I have the most amazing clinical instructor’s this semester and without their constant encouragement, I probably would have bailed from this whole nursing journey. I was really having a hard time, and my lack of communication with people didn’t help. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone, and sadly I chose to bottle it up. However, a few weeks to go, so I’m hoping to finish out strong, have the summer off, and be completely refreshed and ready to tackle these last two semesters. I don’t know if something clicked in my brain and finally made me see that I don’t need to have an emotional breakdown every day, it’s unnecessary and quite frankly exhausting. Things make me so angry sometimes and I just internalize everything, I joke about how that’s the way I feed my ulcer Charlie, but honestly, it’s a terrible way to be. Now, I’ll never be the type of person who will be talkative and open about everything, but perhaps I’m going to work on letting things not bother me as much. I’ve been reading a lot about anger, forgiveness, and a variety of other things that I can’t remember because it’s 4:30 am, but it’s truly been helpful and eye-opening. It’s very freeing, I definitely still get mad, but I’m trying to be better at breathing and not jumping to the visualization of shaking people. I mean really, don’t you just want to shake people every now and then, or smack them in the forehead and ask them if anyone is home? Annoying! Hopefully I’m not the only one, and if I am, well I said I’m working on trying to be better. It’s almost Easter, this year is flying by. I gave up Dunkin Donut’s coffee for Lent, this was the first time I ever gave up anything for Lent. I honestly had no idea how long it was for, so I had my withdrawal stage, but now I’m good. Although, I have almost broken down on several occasions, but I stayed strong. It may sound like a trivial thing to give up, but it’s something I enjoy, so I figured it would count. I contemplated giving up my nursing books, but figured that didn’t really count since I loathe them. Oh well.

 It’s cold and rainy, we had one day that was 80, last week I think, I don’t know, it’s a distant memory. Now it’s just winterish again. I can’t wait to go on vacation. July will bring a week’s worth of Puerto Rico into my life with my best friend Lindsey. We have never traveled that far before or to a place that English isn’t the primary language but we’ll be ok. We know key Spanish words like “donde esta el bano”, “policia”, and “ayudame.” So I’m definitely not worried. There is a rainforest that I can’t wait to explore, I am hoping to find this beach where the wild horses are, and other than that, perhaps just relaxing on the beach working on my tan. Sounds like paradise to me. I might try to find some time to travel somewhere else too, but it would have to be somewhere a tad bit closer.

 There’s been a lot of great and inspiring songs that I’ve heard over this past month. If I can figure it out, I will post them. But JJ Heller’s “What Love Really Means” is amazing to me and Brandon Heath’s “Give Me Your Eyes.” Anyway, I guess that’s really it for now. My heart is at peace for now, which makes me feel like I can breathe easier and handle these challenges that come my way.

I’ll end with the inspiring quote: “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” – Bill Cosby

http://youtu.be/W2cYxOkR2-g

http://youtu.be/PgGUKWiw7Wk

This is my first official blogpost. I have to admit I laugh at the idea of someone actually reading anything posted on my site, because I don’t think I can ever write anything that is worth reading. But I might as well give it a shot, because I’m writing for me. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head and I tend to internalize everything so while on the outside, I remain stoic, on the inside, I’m crumbling into a million pieces. So this blog is going to be my voice, the one I rarely use. My struggles and hopefully all this writing will lead to some sort of relief and ultimately….perhaps some healing.

It’s March, I made a promise to myself that 2011 would be a year to reflect, forgive, grow and move the heck on. However, like many times before, I’ve broken this promise. Each year, I think about wanting to be better, mentally, physically, and most importantly, emotionally. Each year, I try, and after a little while, it’s an epic fail. Something will inspire me, I’ll do great for a few weeks, and then BAM! Smacked in the face by something and poof, all my inspiration goes flying out the window. I know this happens to many people, I’m not alone in the battle of failure.
I had some goals and I guess you can say resolutions for this new great 2011. My list:
1. Get down to a healthier weight
2. Find God again
3. Be more open
4. Exercise at least 5x a week (ha)
5. Be organized
6. Pay off debt (virtually impossible)
7. Find true love (equally impossible)
8. Be successful
9. Forgive the past
10. Take time out for fun

So this isn’t the greatest list, but it’s all that I could really remember. I know I wrote it down somewhere, but my lack of organizational skills leads me to believe that it’s lost in this abyss that I call my room. So clearly, I’ve already failed at #5, but I have to report that the other 9 are not really headed towards success either.
In the first few weeks of January, I was feeling empowered and ready for change. I worked out almost everyday, was feeling the burn and actually enjoying it. For the most part, I eat just fine, but with my lack of consistent exercise and challenged thyroid function, I have never really succeeded at this weight loss game. I hit my cut off point when nursing 2 started this semester. Talk about a smack in the face. I haven’t been so overwhelmed in a long time and I am in need of some serious anxiety meds just thinking about it. I often joke about a slow release patch of some sort that could aid in my anxiety ridden state, however, my doctor is ultimately clueless to my anxiety needs and generally just does an EKG on my heart and reports that I’m fine. Thanks Sir, can I please have my $20 co-pay back because you have done absolutely nothing for me. Sorry, I’ve strayed from the path. Get used to that.
Anyway, with the overwhelming effects of school, family and work issues, and just other dramas that will be left out, working out became the last thing on my mind. I know that everything kind of works hand in hand. Mind, body, spirit. I need to find that connection, or else I will never be happy or successful at anything.
Anyway, March, it started off shaky, we are on day 7. I had an epiphany of some sort on Sunday, which really showed me some new light. Well, I guess that’s what an epiphany is, right? I guess stay tuned, because I don’t think blogs are supposed to be this long.